Making the decision to separate (or divorce) is not easy, and things get even more complicated when we have children. One of the first questions and concerns that arise in these situations is how and when to inform children. Parents want the best for them, guarantee their well-being, so in case of divorce, the ideal is to start well from the beginning, telling them in the best way. Today we review some aspects to consider and tell you how to do it depending on the age of the children.
Preparing to talk to them
Facing a breakup is a complex process, so before communicating it to our children, the first thing is to make sure that we have the subject well elaborated. This does not mean that you have to overcome it, but at least you have processed, meditated and accepted what is happening. This will make when talking to them We transmit security and stability, both very important aspects to help them better manage the impact of the news.
If you still do not feel capable, you have not finished accepting the change that is going to take place or if you are very affected, wait a while before talking with your child: it is preferable to invest some time in “locating yourself” than precipitating and convey our discomfort.
Are you ready Ideally, we should have a conversation first with us, the parents, to specify and determine what and how we are going to tell them. In this way we guarantee that the content will be consistent on both sides and avoid possible confrontations with the children. The more closed we leave the subject before talking to them, the better.
Our Children cannot be our tear cloth or our comfort figureOn the contrary: it is the parents who must guarantee their emotional stability and serve as a guide and support.
To elaborate what we are going to tell you can be helpful rehearse before (for example between the two, or alone before the mirror), so we can hear what we say. And sometimes we think things that listening to them aloud do not sound as good as we imagined, or are not as enlightening as we would like. A “trick” to elaborate the content is that you ask yourself the following question: What I am telling you transmits calm, security and resolves doubts, or lets you see negative emotions (towards the other parent)?
Aspects to consider
Although each case has its own characteristics and considering that there are extreme situations (which are not what concerns us here), there are a number of aspects that are generally recommended when addressing this situation:
- Ideally, both parents are present: It is a family conversation in which to show unity, despite the news we are going to give, is important.
- Making it clear that what is dissolving is the couple's relationship, the one formed by father and mother in their adult role in a relationship, not our role as parents, which will remain intact. That is, we must convey that the decision does not affect the love we have to them.
- It is also very important to make it clear that they they are not responsible for the break.
- The information must be adapted to the child's age, explaining only those things that he can really understand and using a language adapted to his abilities. (On this specific aspect you will find more information in another specific section.)
- "Tell him" is not a talk one day. Obviously there will be a moment to give the news, but it is possible that with time doubts arise to the child, fears appear or have questions: we must always answer these questions, calmly and with understanding.
- It is essential to solve the main doubts and unknowns that children usually express: who they will live with, how we will work, when they will be with each of the parents ...
- It may be positive to convey that the decision is not the result of an outburst, but that it is something very thoughtful and that has no turning back. With this we prevent them from harboring unfounded hopes or clinging to the idea that they can be undone, which would complicate their coping.
- We should not involve children in the details of the break: this belongs to the adult sphere and does not report any benefit for the children, on the contrary, what we can achieve is that they polarize and reject one of the two parents.
- In relation to the previous point: avoid pointing guilty, responsible ... or victims. I insist, that is a matter of adults, of a couple.
- It's not about telling them the harsh reality, but neither selling them a sweetened picture of divorce, kind "Everything will remain the same" or “Nothing will change for you, you'll see”, because it is not real. The truth is that yes, it will change your life, and that of everyone, and that at first it may take a while to adapt, but we will do everything possible to make it work out well.
- Cautiously, without "selling false expectations" As I said before, it might be interesting to highlight the possible advantages of the new situation.
- Encourage them to express their doubts, fears, thoughts about it, and help them express how they feel: they should understand that nothing happens to feel bad or have negative emotions such as fear or anger.
- Ask them (depending on age) what things, habits and activities they would like to keep or have with each parent.
When do we communicate it to the children?
There is no standard guideline or prescriptions on specific times, since this depends a lot on each case. However, it is generally recommended to do it with sufficient in advance so that the child has time to process and assimilate what will happen / is happening. How long do we talk? Factors such as age influence, I will comment in the next section, but usually we talk about Two or three weeks before the parent who will change address does so.
In this period of time the child can be assuming the impact of the news, we can solve their doubts and accompany and guide them in the process, hence it is important to give them a margin between receiving the information and making the change of situation.
What seems clear is that if things are already changing at home and we do not talk to them, we do not inform them, we are contributing to fears and insecurities.
How to talk with children about divorce according to their age
As I said before, what we say specifically and how we do it must be adapted to the child's age and abilities.
Preschoolers (less than five years old)
With children in this age range The information we transmit must be simple, clear, short and concrete: at this age they do not have the capacity to process explanations that are too complex, extensive or full of details. It agrees:
- Inform them of which parent will change address
- Given the they don't have a clear conception of time, entering what days you will see dad or mom can confuse you. It is preferable to be more concrete and explain what you are going to do with each of us, for example who is going to sleep, who is going to bathe you, who will usually pick you up from school ...
- If possible, let the child know when the new domicile of the parent who leaves and tell him that that is also his house. For the latter, if he is going to have his own bedroom, it is interesting that he himself collaborate in the decoration, have toys there and contribute some of their things to make it "yours."
Children between six and eight years old
They already have the capacity to elaborate more complex ideas and concepts, so it is common for them to ask more questions about how the change will be and how it will affect them in their day to day.
- We must answer your questions and make it clear that the separation is not "because of you" (At this age it is possible that they are responsible for it and it is convenient to make this point clear to them).
- Be more concrete in what we tell you: how things are going to be done on important dates like your birthday or christmas, with whom you will perform certain activities, etc.
- For the latter we can make a calendar in which we will write down what they are going to do and with whom, so that they have a reference.
Children between nine and twelve years old
- At this age they have the capacity to understand that the divorce is not for them, that they are not the “guilty”, but it is convenient to insist on it and make it very clear.
- They are also better able to visualize and understand that divorce can have positive aspects (less conflicts at home, for example): we can highlight them when we talk to them.
- They may try to take sides with one of the two parents, for which it is convenient not to highlight the mistakes of the other parent or the negative aspects.
Before divorce or separation is fundamental to keep our children informed to favor a healthy adaptation. We may think that they are perhaps too small to understand and therefore avoid talking to them, but we have already seen that from a very young age it is possible, and indeed recommended, to talk to them. Keep calm, dispel your doubts or fears and providing information on what changes will occur in their lives are the keys to managing this situation. Cheer up.
Photos: Pexels.com
In Babies and more: Whether Brad and Angelina or strangers, the most important in any separation are the children
