Surely more than one we have found ourselves in some situation where our children, for whatever reason, did not understand reasons and a tantrum took place that put us in the spotlight.
A mother whose daughter suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) shares why we should be more empathetic and less critical when seeing a child tantrum in public.
Tantrums: We've all been there
Whether you have children or not, chances are that at some point in your adult life you have had to witness one. It can be from your own children, your nephews, the son of a friend or the strange person in front of you in the supermarket line. There is something we must make very clear: tantrums are something completely normal in children, and therefore, understand them.
It is true that there are occasions that we may be having a bad day and we can react to them with a negative attitude, however (and using a phrase that I like very much), we are already adults and we know how to behave in public, a child does not. So they resort to crying or tantrums to express when something bothers them.
What I want to come up with is that we all have a role during a tantrum. Some of us will be mom or dad and others a spectator who was there at the time it happened. As parents, we must remember the importance of the way we react to tantrums. As spectators, although I do not suggest that we are obliged to act with absolute peace, we can avoid making negative comments and throw disapproving glances towards parents.
The power of a kind gesture
As I said at the beginning, a mother shared the experience she had recently while shopping, when her four-year-old daughter with ADHD had a difficult time. She comments that on other occasions she has chosen to leave without the things she was going to buy, but since this time it was food, she decided that she would not leave without her, no matter how strong her daughter's tantrum was.
Her experience in the supermarket was already very difficult, when a negative comment from another person ended up getting the worst out of her and making her feel terrible. Until a woman appeared, that turned that bad experience into a show of support and empathy.
It finally happened. While I waited in the line to pay for my shopping cart full of provisions (and some wine), Sophie was moving non-stop in the cart, crying because she had taken a bag of chips and because she told me an idiot while we were on the line. She is ruthless. I know it. I live with this. Her ADHD and her obsessive little heart focuses on these issues and things she finds unfair and does not stop until she falls asleep or something dramatic happens that snatches her attention to something else.
We were in line for several minutes, ignoring his tantrum and refusing to give in. What else would yield to bad behavior but reinforce it? I have left places a hundred times because of it. Almost every time, in fact, I end up leaving with nothing I was going to buy and with a four-year-old girl doing a tantrum in one hand and a baby on my hip, but this time I had to be firm because we needed the supplies.
I tell him for the tenth time that he feels so that he does not fall and the next thing I hear is a woman behind me on the line say "For the love of God, give him a cookie so he can shut up!" I could have responded nicer. I could have explained that my four-year-old daughter suffers from severe ADHD, that I raise my two children alone, that I am doing the best I can, and that I have no choice but to endure it because I need the supplies. Instead, I hear coming out of my mouth "She is four years old and you need to take care of her damn affairs."
I keep my composure until I finish what I was doing and head towards the line where I can pay by myself, so I can avoid finding someone else like "that person." The person with the child who does not behave. The person who seems lazy because he ignores the tantrum. The person who knows what to do other than ignore him will only make things worse. By the time I reach the box, tears fall on my face. I lost my composure. I am angry, my feelings are hurt, I feel offended and I am terribly sad that I cannot have a single good experience shopping with my children.
While I scan my purchases, a woman approaches and starts talking to Sophie. He asks her questions to distract her, but she supports me when Sophie starts complaining again about wanting french fries. "No, you can't take those today. You must be good for your mom. She needs you to be good for her. I have a little girl just like you. How old are you? How old is your brother?" Honestly, this woman could have been the Antichrist and would have had more appreciation for her kindness and compassion than any other person who can find me.
Just one comment to break someone. You never know what someone else is going through. You don't know the problems that a boy has and that are causing a bad behavior, unless you know the battle of being the father of a girl like mine, you can't judge me. But a single act of kindness is also enough to make a mother feel comfort and validation. Thanks to that woman in the supermarket today, for showing kindness to my children and me. Thanks for joining us on departure. Thanks for your support. Mothers need to stay together.
Although probably not all of us have found ourselves in the same position as this mother, no doubt when we have gone through such a moment we feel observed and perhaps even judged as "bad mothers" for the simple fact that our children resort to a tantrum for not knowing how to express what they felt at that time.
The story of this mother is a reminder that we should not hurry and assume or judge other parents when their children ignore them or are going through a tantrum. You never know what other people may be going through. So if you ever look at another mother or father dealing with their children, don't judge him and better support him, you could help him make a bad day lighter and remind them that being through a bad time does not make them bad parents.
