When we become mothers, emotions flood us. Many of them are wonderful: love as never, tenderness as never ... However there are others that are not so pretty: be a mother and start feeling guilty It seems to be almost simultaneous. But because guilt is no good, let's undo from her, do you sign up?
Previous note: Much has been written about mothers' feelings of guilt, including this article, and about the need to eliminate it from our lives. But it is important that all this information is not turned into pressure.
That feeling guilty is not a positive thing is undeniable, but you shouldn't get hurt by it if you feel that way, more would be missing! What I want with this article is that you see that you are not alone and learn some tools to deal with the feeling of guilt, but at your own pace, relaxed, without demands.
We don't have to be great all the time or the first time. Always, always, realistic expectations, okay? We are not super-women, nor do we want to be.
You are not alone
It is very possible that some of the times in which you have felt guilty you have thought that it is something that happens to you. There is good news about it: you are not the only one that happens, in fact it is something that "splashes" almost all mothers (and many fathers).
Surely you are thinking about that "bad of a lot, consolation of fools": ok, it happens to almost all mothers, so what? Well, he said it's great news because knowing that it's practically a pandemic, something frequently associated with motherhood, you can start download part of that fault.
In Babies and more The feeling of guilt at the arrival of the second child: how to deal with itOne of the things that usually happens to us, to finish off the play, is that we not only feel guilty for this reason or that one (a little below you have some of the most frequent reasons), but also (and this is of traca) we feel guilty ... for feeling guilty. Has it happened to you?
Guilt is useless
One of the things that favors that we continue to feel guilty is that deep down we think that guilt is useful. We usually see guilt as the beacon that tells us that something is not right and that we must restore it, like the light that illuminates us on the way to “doing things right”.
We associate guilt with ethics, and that association doesn't suit us at all. Because, surprise, that is not the case: it is not necessary to feel guilty to take responsibility for something, nor does guilt "help" us to do "what needs to be done."
The feeling of guilt leads us to have less capacity to react, in fact: as we feel bad and crush ourselves we are not able to make good decisions about it, at least not the best ones.
Guilt makes us feel bad, it is responsibility that makes us do something to solve or alleviate the situation.
I feel guilty for ...
Let's review some of the most common reasons why mothers feel guilty. Do you recognize yourself in any?
- For going to work instead of staying with the baby.
- For staying at home instead of going to work (Will I be throwing away my professional career?).
- I am not attending to my partner as before (or as it should be).
- I am not doing well / I am not a good mother.
- What if I love one child more than another?
- Because sometimes I let him eat "nurseries."
- Because I don't feel like sex.
- Because I adore my son, but I need time for myself (or there are times when I would bill him to the moon, or further).
The list of things we can feel guilty about is almost infinite. Let's put an end to it.
In Babies and more, why shouldn't we feel guilty of wanting time alone for ourselves?Out fault, out weight
Guilt is a weight we carry on our backs that makes everything more complicated. And as precisely the back is something that mothers do not have far there, with more reason we must do something about it!
We are going to get rid of guilt once and for all, of that we have since we are mothers but also of the other faults we have (since we are going to stay great, do you think?).
1. Question your fault / s
Guilt hurts us because we "buy it", because we believe these things that we tell each other about it, but what if we try to question them?
Reflection 1: in addition to my share of responsibility, What other causes may be behind this happening? There is practically nothing that is unicausal, almost everything in life is produced by the conjunction of several factors, so we will find the ones behind your situation, so you can see that not everything is “because of you”.
Reflection 2: Really why are you feeling guilty? Who is marking those parameters? Can you do something about it? And in any case, is guilt serving you for something in this case?
2. Take action
If there is something with which you do not feel well, something that causes you discomfort, instead of feeling guilty (which we have already said is a feeling that does not help at all) let's take action.
Abandoning oneself only gives a feeling of uncontrollability, of drift a little. Take control: what do I dislike or make me feel bad? Well now I'm going to draw up a plan to change it.
Changing sensation by action will reduce discomfort, you'll see.
3. You are not ultimately responsible for your child's happiness
Some mothers feel they are responsible for the happiness of their children, and that is a lot, a lot of responsibility. So much that no single person could with her.
It is not fair or realistic that you put yourself under that pressure: your child is a person who will gradually learn to manage, a person who lives in a world where there are other individuals who will contribute (and also subtract, of course) stuff. There is family, friends, school, games, laughter ...
Your role is to accompany him, to love him very much, to give him a point of reference, a grounding so that he feels safe ... But also the freedom to be managed and learned on his own.
Happiness, your happiness, will consist of a thousand things, do not be distressed with it.
4. What is being a good mother?
One of the Main sources of guilt are expectations or standards that we have marked ourselves (many times with external help, everything is said).
The clash between the expectation, which is not usually realistic, and what happens next will crush us. So it's time to review what we mean by being a good mother. Does it imply being a super-mother? I remind you of one thing: you are human.
You have already seen that feeling guilty is no good at all. If there is something you think you have done wrong, what you should feel is responsibility, but never blame. Change the optics and you'll go from feeling bad about wanting to do, and that's a great, big change. Let's get rid of that heavy load!
Photos: Pixabay.com
In Babies and more: How to teach your child what good love is, which will make him happy
