To the educate with respect We sow respect. I spoke on a subject in which I previously addressed this question of how inevitable life is and in parenting to find ourselves with coflicts. With children, especially, it is we, the adults, who must maintain composure and be patient, because teaching them respect is done by example, and not by threats or emotional blackmail.
Let's think about when we are overcome by tension and very angry. It can be difficult for ourselves to speak serenely at that moment. If it is a child, with less experience in handling natural negative emotions, the problem is twofold. However, sometimes we insist on reasoning and calm down in those moments. And that is a mistake.
When you are very angry you need your time to calm down and above all, not feel judged, or threatened, or make fun of you. What would we like them to do with us? Send us to another room to calm down and reject us, telling us they won't love us if we don't control ourselves? Why not?
Well, for a child it is the same. They need us to remain by their side, without forcing them to verbalize, and above all, without making us angry. Given the conditions of tranquility, after the moment of rage, having felt our love, then they will be prepared to speak, but not in the middle of the fray.
Once we found the right time to talk about the conflict Not only do you have to make good intentions, you have to find valid strategies to create a climate in which future conflicts can be avoided or managed before they get out of hand. The responsibility, again, is ours, of adults.
We should be able, alone or with help, to interpret the reasons why a child has aggressive or incorrect behavior. Many times it is a matter of physical or emotional fatigue, of accumulated tensions in other areas, of situations that have been taking a long time and that require, above all, our ability to expose children to spaces and times not respectful of their needs.
And above all, let's think that when a child wants to "get attention" he does it because even an anger on our part gives them what they need most, our attention. So, let's put ourselves in his place, let's throw ourselves on the ground, at his level, in his heart, and we will know better what worries and discomforts them. Complete, serene and active attention on our part is the best basis for positive communication.
The weather of trust It's basic. The child, like us, has to feel free to express his feelings and fears without fear of being judged, ridiculed or scolded for it. We are wrong many times and we have to set an example, being able to ask forgiveness so that they learn to do it naturally, from the heart, without external impositions.
Do we want to impose discipline? Well, never ever resort to any kind of violence, especially banish the scourge and physical punishment. Violence is also aggressiveness, insults, reproaches and threats. Telling a child that it is bad, that we will not want it more, comparing it with others by humiliating it in that way, does much more harm than we can perceive. It undermines his self-esteem, his self-image, the security he needs in which we reset and love him. We are here to guide you, to accompany you, to give you an example of empathy, not to scare or dominate you.
The fact that violent responses come out of us is the result of what we learned with the example in childhood and of lacking more adequate communication tools. However, it is not our children's fault, so part of our work as parents is to reduce ourselves to have new non-violent tools.
This miraculous tool is empathy. It's about the ability to put ourselves in the place of the other and feel what he feels, thinks and fears. By understanding what moves the child, we can help you and, in addition, the magic of calming our anger works, because if anything children want above all, it is to feel loved and protected by us. Feeling that the violence dissipates.
If we are unable to control our emotions and let anger and rage spring up, we are teaching children that this is a valid behavior. Scolding, hitting or shouting, we teach that this is what is done, instead of teaching how to channel negative emotions creatively and thus offer non-aggressive alternatives to conflicts.
Pasting we teach to paste. Screaming we teach screaming. Blackmailing we teach to blackmail. Making fun of the one who depends on us, we teach to despise the weakest. And that is not what we want to teach our children.
The child who asks for attention, respect and affection but who receives derogatory comments and rejection in return, will feel very hurt, completely disoriented and we are not surprised at all to internalize those responses to reproduce them later. Moreover, their aggressiveness may be increased, opposing violence and anger at us without our understanding of why so much anger is due. On the other hand, as happens to us in any field, if the child feels attended, listened to and respected, he will be much more cooperative and more willing to dialogue and reach agreements.
In summary, Respect is taught, not with plabras, but with respect.
