You are going to become a stepmother, some little ones are going to enter your life ... and you into theirs. Articulating this new role is not easy and can generate a lot of stress. To help you with this and to enjoy this path, which is really very beautiful, with your partner and with the kids, we leave you a few tips.
Adjusting to the new role is not easy
According to Lisa Doodson, psychologist and author of the book “How to be a happy stepmum”, stepmothers have a complicated role that can generate stress, anxiety and even depression.
The demands of this new role are complex and generate a lot of uncertainty. The author points out that unlike biological motherhood, about which there are social rules of all colors and models about what is expected of us (which on the other hand make our lives a bit impossible, everything must be said), in the in the case of stepmothers there is no such definition ... and when there is, it is about that story prototype, that evil stepmother that wants to get out of the middle of the offspring.
In Babies and more, stepmothers (and stepparents) are no longer what they were: decalogue for the new family to work It is, among other things, precisely that lack of conceptual framework, of role definition, a factor that can negatively affect the adjustment of these women to their new situation.
What is expected of a stepmother? What specifically does the couple and the child expect? What should I do? How far do I have to "get in" and where should I stay on the sidelines?
The uncertainty it makes us stressed, it can generate anguish and lead, as I said, in mood alterations that really affect us.
If you are already a mother you may have more stress
Following Doodson again, the women who are responsible for their own children and their partner's children would be the ones who suffer the highest levels of anxiety. The adjustment of the new relationship, the adjustment of the children themselves, the relationship between the new siblings ... There are many variables that can act as sources of stress for these women.
But stress (and anxiety) also especially affect those women who have no children. This is due, according to the author, mainly to two factors:
- The lack of experience -and therefore of confidence- as far as parenting is concerned, which makes them feel especially insecure.
- The so abrupt change of lifestyle, move from being single to a home with children (transition already made and experienced by those who have children).
How to face your new role
Surely you are doing great, but if you need an extra help, here are some ideas and tips for everyone to go overboard.
1. Dispatch
As the well-known song by Luis Fonsi (which you are humming right now) is titled, let's go slowly, softly, softly. And very calmly, I add.
Keep in mind that for the child you are a person who is entering his life, a new adult, with a role that has nothing clear in what it will consist of: they need time to adapt to the changes, to get to know you and start establishing a relationship with you.
Do not press yourself, do not press him, give yourself some time to forge your relationship: affection is something that is gradually forged, that is why it is so valuable.
In Babies and more "They are complete sisters", the reflection of a mother to stop saying "half brothers" to the children of reconstituted families2. Define (define) your role well
One of the main sources of stress, as I said before, comes from not being clear about what you are expected to do, in what areas of opinion and in which not ... of not knowing exactly what your role is.
In the same way that when you start a relationship and you are going to live with someone you establish “the rules” that will articulate those relationships (although it is not explicitly done), in this case it is positive that you and your partner make it clear from the beginning what your role is, what are your responsibilities towards children ... as if it were a definition of what a job consists of, so that you understand me.
The less ambiguity there is, the less chance of discomfort for you, because you will have a framework for action. But it is also that, being something agreed with your partner (father of creatures and love you) there is less risk of conflict derived with him, and also reinforces the team feeling, something absolutely necessary in any couple in general, and for you in particular.
3. I am not in charge
Directly related to the previous one comes this point, because it is a very delicate aspect in that role that you are establishing.
Initially, at the beginning, don't try to impart discipline, make big decisions or participate in momentous conversations with children.
In these first moments the most important thing is that you know each other, that you have a good base relationship in which the positions, the roles are settled.
Go slowly, let your father take care of these aspects at the beginning. This does not mean, obviously, that if you see the child in danger do not do anything, or that you dedicate yourself to be “the cool new adult who lets us do what we want”: let's have some common sense.
In these first moments what the child needs, and what you need, is to establish, as I said, a relationship of trust, the most important thing is that you get to know each other, that be at ease together, that you get along and go taking love.
4. Do not feel guilty
It is possible, expected and normal (in the statistical sense) that don't feel great affection for your partner's children Just meet them (or even later).
If we believe that it should be, that we should feel an immediate crush, we will have a bad time if we do not feel it. Then, in that case, in addition to everything that already stresses us about this situation, in addition, as if that were not enough, we will feel guilty for not feeling what “we should feel”.
Adjust your expectations, and if you feel bad, seek advice from professionals or people who are in your same situation.
4. Don't buy their love ... or overcompensate them
At first the thing will surely go slowly (in fact it is desirable, as I said before), so much so that it even seems to you that more than moving forward, it recedes. If you also have your own children, you may have the feeling of being unfair with one or the other, or you feel bad about not attending to them in the same way.
In either of the two cases cited, do not try to replace “what is missing” or compensate the children (so you think you are not giving them or because of the complicated situation) by buying them toys, giving them gifts or leading them to have experiences “ cool "so a little" on the face ": it is no way to gain their affection or help them to go through this stage" more easily. "
5. Accept the situation ... and your ex
We like it more or we like it less, your ex is the mother of your children and will be present in your life ... all your life, so that the better your relationship (between you, and between you three), the better.
Sometimes this is not easy, I know, but precisely the acceptance of the fact that "she will be there" gives us a perspective that makes coping easier.
Do not "get hooked" on things that do not work, do not ruminate (or constantly green on your head): this will only make you feel worse and worse about it, and will end up affecting you and everyone.
Look for solutions together based on the fact that the most important thing is the well-being of children (they are minors, they are not to blame for the stories that adults bring us) and that, as I said, since you are going to have to interact a long time, the better we do it, the better we will all be.
In the event that the situation with the former partner is complicated, Talk to your partner to draw up a plan, to make a common front and, as a team, to address the situation without wearing it out too much, either individually or as a couple.
In Babies and more The photo that shows how beautiful custody can be between two families assembled6. Take care of yourself
Forming a new family, forming a new family, can be stressful, both individually, family and couple, so we will try to be as good as possible, for which we have to take care and pamper ourselves.
If we leave, if we do not take care of ourselves, it is possible that our mood suffers, and much. You are important, you need to be well.
Find moments for you, establish a little time every day in which you do things that make you feel good, self-care, pampering.
Maintain relationship and contact with your friends, go out, talk, activate those other roles that are not those of "couple or stepmother". Go to the movies, museums, concerts or that watercolor workshop that you really wanted to do. Do, do things that make you feel good, you need it.
7. Take care of your relationship
It is essential for this to work that you are well, that you are clear that you have to be a team, a unit, and that you take care and pamper yourself.
Effective communication is the key to success: You have to listen to each other and be able to express your feelings about it. But it is also very important that you know how to negotiate and reach agreements (in any relationship you have to do it, but in your case, in which there are extra variables, more).
And is that you will not always agree with everything, but ... who is? In a team things are agreed and they are faced together, that is the important thing.
8. Enjoy
This new stage may not be easy, but be careful, that does not mean that I can be very pretty: you are building a family, it is a wonderful project!
And if you feel that you are over, that you can not with the situation, that you feel bad, go to a professional to help you manage all this, or to advise you on the best ways to make your case work great.
You can also check the UNAF (Family Association of Family Associations) Service for Reconstituted Families.
Photos: Pixabay.com
